Crazy is a relative term.   I for one have several forms of neurosis that help make my chemistry.  Only difference between a great many and I is that I am aware of them. Hell even embrace them.  If any God complex I may have is supported by the fact that I am quite self aware, or enough to recognise it after the after the fact, “oh boy, look, slight self esteem issues and a fear of commitment. lets put that on the shelf next to buried scars and hidden resentments. Oh actually put the hero on one side and jesus frustrations on the other, and ah, perfect.  Perhaps I should get some snow globes.

Of course, crazy people don’t know they are crazy.  But if you are aware of what makes you crazy, you might not be crazy but can identify crazy.  Even normal people crazy, you know basically normal but you can have a reasonable accurate guess what they act a certain way.  Some seem to have no glaring things, not that I look for them, they just tend to jump out at cha.  Which shames me when I do ever rub one the wrong way, because i should better. Hell I do know better.  Easily identify where they are coming from and a do not adjust accordingly.

Yeah, meet people and they seem to have just as much depth and intelligence maybe even more. But in a mass, god, stupid crazy creatures.

Any who, I think I have identified a few more complexes.

Mama always said I did not like change.  Complete caniption over change, didn’t care for home remodeling or new cars as a child.    I am still that way.  I only get new things if it isn’t broke and I can’t jerry rig it.  Pretty brand loyal.

I have stuck with friends, girlfriends, job’s way longer than I should have.  At the same time I do have a “just give me a reason” streak.    Fear of being locked into a profession or relationship, anything thats going to rob me of this vast world of experience.    Makes sense, one with such an issue may persue relationship doomed from the start no?

Tricky tricky, how the sub conscious works.  Mean while I have had many plutonic girl friends that I never even gave a chance.  Could have, perhaps should have, but didn’t.  I liked them too much.  Didn’t want to risk hurting them, losing the friendship.  Also too normal to give into any attraction.  If anything they got judged harsh, let see how many reason we can think of for not dating so and so.  Now lets think of as many reasonable to date or stick with some trashy coo coo.

So yeah there seems to be fear issues.  Of commitment, self esteem, basically I say I am not worth the risk getting hurt by taking away the option.  I talk this on the shelf off the shelf stuff once in the while, but I think I have always been on the shelf.

So I suppose I can still be honest and true, perhaps more and put it out there, eventually you may lose many of these as friends, you know they get a man and you got to go to the way side cause thats the way things go sometimes.  I wonder if I should apply for one of those “diners cards”.    I still think I have a little of a thrill seeker thing going on, I just have to stop finding those thrills by persueing loonies, which I have been doing pretty well with so far.

Christmas was nice. Had dinner with some new friends. Canadians, Americans and Kiwis oh my.Made a vat load of soup and others provided a turkey and all the trimmings. Very nice indeed. My birthday I spent recovering then traipsing around Seoul. Very long night but a lot of fun. My co teachers brought me to a traditional korean restaurant. The dinner consists of many small dishes of delicate flavor. I could tell there was more preparation at this level than what I normally find around here. Korean food in general does not look like it should take too much preparation but I am getting the impression that much of it happens to take more than the raw looks suggest. It was a very tasty meal.

There are times in your life where you stop tolerating some things while accepting others. Start or end habits. Find new ways of thinking or cease to think the same way you had been. What has changed by 30 besides some physical ailments?

The last four months have brought about many changes. I no longer second guess myself or tolerate being called “crazy”, “negative” or “opinionated’ because those people are ALWAYS wrong. Why wrack my brain reanalyzing things for heads that can’t even pick up what I am putting down?

I no longer suffer crazy people, condescending people, ignorant people or those who generally bore or annoy me. I am sticking to the smartest and/or wisest i can find who can make me think, validate or  destroy a thought.

The condescending are a trip that most tolerate but its good to throw it back at them sometimes.  There is a huge difference between being open and saying how it is and being negative with logic based on assumption. A type’s who are convinced they know everything because they listen only to attack and they never actally hear you. You can’t be aggressive with them and you can be passive aggressive either. But throw it back, let their panties get in a bunch and walk off leaving them to stew. Don’t be condescending in return but just say what is. It’s seeing the dog and saying, “hey, you’re a dog.’ Watch it growl and chase its own tail.  Don’t expect them to change or ever shut up. Everyone should see how it is to be treated like they treat others.  It’s good to throw it back or to remove any such behavior that may effect you because over time all the negativity collects like plaque on ones psyche and it’s not good for you.

Crazy people can be fun if you don’t let them get you in trouble. But if you get too close there will be trouble, drama and you may go crazy as well. Arms length from crazy. Is a good rule to live my.

Ignorant people. You can’t educate them too much, can’t save them. Some maybe but when they have their own ignorant opinions they got them due to other character flaws. Just a waste of time, I won’t even talk to them for the most part and I can talk about anything to anyone so you know their ass is ignorant.

I removed a lot of pressure off of myself and do not mistake it for complacency. Second chances and the benefit of a doubt are no longer my nature. I let my cynicism take more control of my actions than my wishful thinking or compassion.

I am more responsive and appreciative to compliments. Strangers don’t hand them out easily unless your famous or a pretty girl.  Yet I get them enough to probably balance any quick judgements made about me.  Being judged by others never made me change anything i did but at this point I don’t care al all.  Adversely I am more likely to take a complement to heart and respond which is a far cry from my younger years where I would either dismiss the kind words as smoke up my butt or call the person crazy for thinking such a thing.

Took a week off from the gym only to tear up my rhomboid my first day back. You know the spot, higg up over the scalpula where those big knots start. So i am benched for another week. Doing physical therapy involving acupuncture, electronic suction cups, (electrolosis?) heating pads and some other thing where they put a mentholated goo on you and roll something that feel like little pin pricks but what i believe to be more eltectrical stimulation. I feel like an NFL player. I have no clue what i would be paying for such a thing in the US. I dont think it would be thought of to take care of a pulled mucsle to prevent further or later injury. I tcost me 6,000 won a session. Less than 5 bucks and it works real well. I have pulled that area before but the way it went and the aftermath i think i have a small tear.
Finished thanksgiving dinner last night. Got five largemeals out of it. I also have a a stocked freezer after a trip to cosco. Cosco I believe would be a great date place. If your bringing another x pat that is. You can learn alot about someone in their process of tearing through a cosco. What they like, what they value more, cheese or some other rarity. I told my friend if I had a girl Id set her loose there with 200,000 won for christmas. He replied to me that she would gain 20lbs by new years. Could be a possibility, I myself came home with about 6 kilos of cheese, ham, 50$ worth of austrailian steaks, tortillas, etc. What a fun time. My concern now is Christmas. Though my head is still pretty solid, loneliness tends to creep in from time to time. Not only that it will be the big 30. I either am gonna have to be real nice to myself or do something epic. My friends are all over the freaking place. The way I am, i am not into the clicks, i suffer no morons, and am done with crazy. I don’t think Ill be “surrounded by friends” till my deathbed. But we will have to see what happens if and when i settle down in one place for a while.
What ever i whip up, it will have to take some creativity.
Publisher the ever optimist, says the new “avatar” movie may be good for us. i still havent gotten my copy sent to me because more people wanted to see it. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants, a good one that is. If something comes from it all. Over time, I realize more and more that I am not the crazy one, yet the world is full of them. There has always been a method to my madness but i have learned more and more about it. Sometime one can believe they make themselves only to find out that they were always a certain way, and the flight plan had been set for a long time. Coming to grips with the feeling of impotence. You feel as if you can do better than many. One could handle power and responsibility but hapless to find ways to get there. But was that in my flight plan. I would be a good at handling power basically because I am not the type to seek it out. Nomadic philosopher whose contemplations lead to pity, contempt, wonder and the fear of oblivion. So many many things seem somewhat unreachable or hopelessly mundane, so only the amazing found in the simple and the simple found in the amazing become a the entertaining pursuit until the final mystery come to an end.

The weather hasn’t been all that bad. It’s cold but around 35-45 degrees. Kinda like hiding at home once I am in. Sill getting to the gym when the acid in my stomach isn’t kicked up. Took some photos with my friend Nancy who is working on her portfolio. The fifth fime working with a photographer. It’s a good thing to. I hardly have any pictures of me before my late 20’s. Maybe 20 from ages 1-25. Also, I look like total ass most of the time. The camera has to be convinced to like me from someone who knows what they are doing. Cleo is still well, though I feed her water everyday. Its routine and don’t really well on the inevitable. That’s the first front where I am holding ground. The second is the winter blues. I wake up and eat before going to school, that helps anyone’s mood i think. But in general and sing and hop around everyday. I don’t want to jinx it so I am not announcing shit. Yet, brain is still sharp. What a huge step that would be for me if my head has had its circuts rewired correctly. I look at the news and its sickening. I realize its not me who was right. It was everyone else who was wrong. I don’t know when I will be able to go back there to live. Meanwhile all the idiots are diligent citizens now and want the hang another black man before his first year is up. Totally ignorant of what he is up against. Internationally people are tending to turn on him almost out of spite. Everyone had already forgot the cause. People with half a brain will say the republican party. But if your really paying attention it was the hedonistic Romans. I have been called anti rich, hater, ghetto, for distrusting and rolling against the modern American culture. Now, I am just right. But people still don’t seem to have clue. They will be out there waiting on line on Thanksgiving. They will continue to blame each other the government and people over oceans. Until each one takes responsibility for themselves, drops the dog eat dog mantra, develop some sort of loyalty to their family, to their country and to God green earth, they will continue to be punished. The Jews, are arrogant. The Muslims are wrathful and envious, and the Americans are gluttonous pigs. The Chinese and Indians full of lust. If one were to breakdown to the root the drive behind these governments and parts of their populations you will find sin.
Scary.
Wonderful where the the great wide world of idiots can be my largest daily concern. Not to test fate, but this could be the best November ever. Having some folks over for TG. See how many make it. No skin off my bum Left overs son!

Brrrr.F this noise. Cali better get it’s crap straight cause I ain’t moving to NY until global warming kicks its ass up a few degrees. I work hard on a low insulation package, not built for this crap. What type of idiot sepnd five years thinning his blood in Florida then moves to the ass end of Asia. Nooo, couldn’t listen to ole Hawkeye from all that mash I use to watch at three in the morning. No, freezing my ass off looked like fun when your sunburned and sobering up. I am getting a case of Jack Daniels and a sun lamp, see you next spring. It just into November, this does not bode well. Suppose it will get me really working on doing some writing.
Halloween was fun. Got a bed in hostel to avoid taking the train at 6 in the morning. Nothing like haveing to sober up on a train. Kills a night. Didn’t go to hongdae as I hope, because those i knew who were going out went to iteawon, which as correctly predicted had too many foriegners and not enough bars. It went ok. But I swear I cannot remember a time when that I was not absolutly correct on how things would end up in concerns of going out for a evening. That one thing good about getting older, I wont have to say i told you so or hear that I was right. If the question is where to go, who should go what ever….guess I know how to have a good time. Yet I did not know how Hongdae ended up being and i find away to have a goo time no matter what so its not too much skin off my ass. But imagine the epic nights that may have been had if others had heeded my warnings. Some people make money, other win nobel prizes, I can predict when a party is going to be..not so fresh. It went well enough. Dirty Koreans were charging people 3-5 times the amout for cab rides out of there in the morning. Hell its 3 am, they are foreigners its cold and rainy fuck them, if they wont pay we will drive by. I was content for my hostel was much closer and cost me only 18 when it should have been 5. The ass wanted 25. Here you can experience really cool treatment and real drirty crap from the locals. So far I think I have only seen the good. Besides their hardwired compulsion to cut you inline (any type of line, airport, grocery store, bus) and the cab thing. Verbal things, or when you get the feeling someone is being wise, that crap doesn’t bother me. I may ignore, more likely ill look and they will back down. Cant really recall an specific instances. I love not knowing the language. They can talk crap all they want. All the advertisments. The damn truck driving around advertising some crap with giant loud speakers. All back ground noise. I don’t care. Imagine going back to the U.S and all the commertials, political shows, every idiot on the street just sounds like “wa wa wa, wa wa wa.” It a step closer to heaven. You need to be what I have heard as “beercab fluent” I can get a beer, and I can get a cab. Know the word to be polite, to ask amount and as long as nothing happens to both my index fingers I will be pretty set.

So, I dangle my legs off the shelf, looking down, kicking into the open air and pondering what it’s worth going own there. Fully remembering what it is to be alone. Don’t mind it all that much. I am good at it. Yet, there are obvious deficientcies, that aren’t all that glaring because I do hit the gym hard an often and if need be goo ole Cleo supplies any snuggledge I may require, which isn’t much. I like to spin like a top and zip whichever direction I feel. My experiments with partners in crime didn’t quite work. I bit wary of making those big commitments, but that’s a trick i play on myself, pretend I am hard to nab, suppose it makes me feel better. My judgment is is great question, I may have been better off in a culture with things arranged. Yet, I am good at it. Definitely, the loyal fool. Do I need to be needed? My lust for freedom would say otherwise yet I end up getting in other sorts of messes. Bah, It’s nice on the shelf. But what happens if those people below stop walking past?

Winters a comming.

Have n ot lived through the darkness of winter for some while now, hoping my brain chemistry has corrected it self.  Hope the old girl will be a dear and hang around for another one.  have the meds just in case, dont think my body like them though.  So far so good. Pretty stress free.  With all the random crap that has come my way over the years its almost unsettleing now not to have some type of bullshit to deal with.  Beside haveing to realize I am just letting the phantom other foot to drop I do not have mush stress.  Nothing bothers me much.  Kinda surreal in a way.  Hopefully I wont have to fight those winter blues and things will be just peachy.

I put how I really felt that day for about a minute……and no matter my anger that day, I got away with just that, being angry, while other deal with loss, others still must duck bullets, so I will take that anger, at so many things and people from… that day… and convert to prayers for those who have a much better reason to bitch.

I remember almost attacking cunt mid westerners who had nothing but bad things to say about new york, say “we are all new yorkers” or overhearing pricks go “sucks for him” I also made a t- shirts that said “Islamic fundament…alist or New age Nazi?” then in big letters on the back…..something else. Then my friend took it and wore it all day through classes.
I also remember not being able to get through to NY for a day and a half with out knowing where in hell my brothers were working. Then watching that worthless piece of shit reading children stories to kids as it happened which i would almost think it was staged if it i didnt look even worse that the commander in chief sat there like an idiot for … Read Morefive minutes dumbfounded. And then my boy pointing out a few things said a month prior which totally infuriated me and broke my confidence entirely in the government, journalistic integrity and the political awareness of the American people.
It wasnt exactly a wake up call for everyone, and a major personal horror for others so they should feel free to forget. Like how the NYPD and NYFD never got the money and how cert……aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, fuck it, done.

Beware the Hermit.

I grow weary of people. I know it is a horrible thing to say, but I think many people feel the same.   They slowly narrow their idea of what they find interesting, are less likely to try to make new friends, some claim to be too busy.  Some of them actually are, but do they have to be? A convenient excuse for personal xenophobia most allow to take over ones personality.

Can’t use a wife and family to cover my lack of interest in others, but I do have my hobbies which I will push aside for personal interaction. It just becomes less and less worth it.

I don’t like to judge, I could wear the “judged” chip on my shoulder and I make an effort to try to keep it in check starting with not being a hypocrite and lay judgement on others. Initial impression are often incorrect, but preliminary ideas of ones character, for me seem to be much more accurate.

Meaning, after clearing the first impression out of my head, the observations that take place in the next ten minutes to an hour are usually correct. Yet, I traditionally ignore them. I will try to see what makes them tick, what I can learn from them and convincingly give them the benefit of the doubt. Once in a while you may find a gem, perhaps the judgements were correct but there were unsuspected bright points to the person that balances off their negative qualities.

“You never know who your messing with.” Is a saying I like to act upon, usually. Now I find myself getting to the point where I don’t care who I am messing with. I have experienced many types of people, their complexes, talents, flaws, backgrounds and I just don’t care. I don’t even want to bother messing with them anymore. I am sure there is plenty more to learn from people but they are beginning to seem like repeating sitcoms…or tragedies.

After a few outings you get the idea that you can take the person apart and resemble them with maybe only a few of the pieces missing. But, I stick it out, and I don’t think I am going to even start anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I love people, basically for the few wonderful things that they do. Many of these things don’t belong to man exclusively but some special ones do. When it comes down to it, they are just like monkeys. Sure monkeys are great. They are funny and entertaining but once you take away the cute things they do they are just awkward looking bi-peds making a scene and throwing their feces everywhere.

I try to find smart people, I like to pick their brains. But with that you get those who really arent as smart as they seem, just well rehearsed. Those wrapped up in their intellectual majesty they for get to use that intelligence. Those who dont know how smart they are and those who are so smart they are damn near insane. It’s nice to roll with people who are smarter, prettier, stronger than you. Keeps the ego in check, give you reason to improve and you may get the opportunity to step up. I love being the underdog, having to play with kid gloves murders me.

Having to hold back my tongue, how I havent choked on it all these years is a miracle. I probably ended up hurting more people by being aloof or playing dumb. The one thing I dreaded about getting to the age I am now is where peoples heads are at.   I always looked at it as a point where people become set in their ways, close off their minds and thier lives. Those in their early and mid twenties you can still find some curious people, but even they tend to be repetitive.  I can talk to a 20-25 year old now and it is almost the same conversation as I had with others that age when I was that age. Life is being there and doing that and only the real groovy people stand out to me.
Shit, if that is what it’s like getting old I understand old men.  Thier supposed to be the old simpiltons while in reality they are looking at the younger people as knuckleheads who wont listen because then can’t understand. Awe crap, I do not look foward to that.

I found myself in a situation where I spent my youth sucking peoples brains. I grew as the youngest by far, the next relative is my nephew. Talk about an island. It had conditioned me to shut up and listen, and watch. This became an addiction, with a little imagination you can live other peoples lives. I had taken in so much information from other people I am in a state where I have a vast amount of crap one could learn from me and I have to strain to pick up something new from others. I have always been somewhat ahead in an old geezer way. Thats what the over analytical mind does to you. I don’t think of things from my perspective, I see things from a bunch of perspectives, even abstract ones.

It’s tough to discuss things after a while. People caught in thier own personality, thier own heads and I continually am coming at things “sideways”.   Thats how a philosophy teacher once put it. He would ask me to stay after class to quickly discuss my questions because I was always jumping ahead and throwing monkey wrenches in the linear path needed in a introduction philosophy course.

The only time he set me loose was to destroy someone who was annoying him. Which was flattering and kind of amusing. College students can be quite pompous and to be treated like a pitt bull let off the chain with a license to knock people off their high horse was fantastic.  So I have a mean streak, but it is usually aimed at the cocky and arrogant.

College is good like that, people may mind fuck you or you can be proven wrong, embarrassed but you learn from it, learn how to deal with it and grow. But no one wants to play those games anymore. I don’t know if it’s the accent or my animated behavior, but it is always taken that I am angry or opposing, when all I want is to be proven wrong or at least made to think.  Half the time I am not even fighting the persons view but trying to help them broaden it but the morons are too busy needlessly back pedaling to notice.

This puts me at odds with most. People do not like to be wrong and they do not like to be challenged.  Perhaps that leads to some of the problems in this world. Perhaps I should just go where grumpy old men hang out. I just like new things, new thought. I am not the jealous type, so it is a genuine admiration of people who have done things I have not, who have taken different paths.

The people who I have little to learn from on the other hand, well it is what it is, there are always small things to absorb. The problem with many of them is that their judgments sprout form a vanilla life. They tend to judge quickly and harshly people with a strange story to tell. I have plenty of them and never was afraid to mention them in casual conversation. I don’t even think about it, it is who I am, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Its till only after I realize my mistake and I have to take the blame because you can’t talk about the adventures of a wolf when surrounded by sheep and expect not to be judged.

At the same time I get a little resentful. “Sheep” It’s Jr. High all over again.  Perhaps my issue roots from  pure egocentricism and perhaps we all think the same thing. If anything that is a poor attempt at making me feel more attached with society. The fact is I think differently and always have, from everyone? Who knows? But if I consider my feeling and trace the causasion and do all my little over analytical equations is comes to simply that the majority of people bore the hell out of me. What can I do?

Children and Animals on the other hand, are much more entertaining. Something can know less or be less intelligent but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something to teach you. Just being in the company of things that are learning causes you to learn new things yourself. Learn old lessons again from a different perspective.

Animals lack cognitive complexity, but they do more with what they have. Children and Animals see the world as it is and not for what they created around themselves which makes them better communicators. I could turn to Cleo and say something complex or contrary to the norm and she will look at me realize she doesn’t recognize any of the particular sounds I am making in reference to her and that I must be talking to myself. She will then take a nap.

A person, will first think how it relates to them as well, even if it shouldn’t. They then think about if they could find it insulting, if they could one up me. They get threatened when the hear something they are not sure if they understand. Sounds harsh but it’s true.  Peoples opinions are their own, and based on thier point of view so if given any topic thier brains will refer to the topic to their ego and if there is any chance for them to go on the defensive they will.

I prefer the cats reaction. Got back to sleep. I believe if the animal if given instantly higher brain function or the child, instant knowledge they would be more apt to listen, question , add and conclude. I do not think most adults are capable. I can say somethings and have them completely confused but if given a transcript there should be no need for confusion. They hear what they expect or want to hear. Ha, I think thats a communication theorem somewhere.

They get wrapped up in what they perceived you to say because it is easier for them to digest and react.   If you plan to suggest a thought that come from outside the box, the box being being full of thought driven by the typical norms, dogmas and present trends of the day, be prepared to spend a lot of extra time clawing them out of that box and out of their narrow perceptions. Most likely, like a hermit crab they will huddle back into thire shell. Now who needs that?   Sociopath, Hermit merely anti social behavior, I don’t think so. I am relatively out going and there lies the conflict.